Yep, you read that right.
I'm literally lost.
I'm in a.. What do you call it? Identity crisis, yep.
It's like, I don't know what I truly want. When people have their own signature style in clothing and Instagram feed, I'm lost with what mine is. Sometimes I dress cute but I'm afraid it's not appropriate with my age. Sometimes I dress effortless chic but once again, I'm afraid it's makes me look childish. As a matter of fact, I hate to dress up, unless it's an important event. Daily, I prefer something easy and comfortable with. But they say, we should dress up every time to shows our professionalism. Until now, I'm still lost about this. I can't buy clothes since I'm afraid I won't use them anymore in awhile. Mostly I bought clothes cos I found them cute and nice, but I didn't think for the long term part. Will I be able to use it often and long time? It takes infinite time for me to think before I buy them now.
The same as Insta feed. Looking at my Insta feed, I hate it. Looks all messy, no identity and signature shows in it. Even the frame and tone all have different shapes and color filters. That's why I rarely post anything nowadays. I'm still trying to figure out what my style is. Some of you might think Social Media is not a major thing in life, but in my industry, it's shows our work, skill, taste and personality. Literally it shows who you are. In order to get good impression in the digital industry, well, I gotta manage the look of it. Sometimes I envy Millennial kids. They learnt SocMed from a very young age and that's an incredible amount of privilege I think. SocMed gives a great opportunity ahead in their near future.
In addition to all my mess, I just don't know how to put myself in public anymore. It's a right thing to be nice, polite and properly behaved in order to struggle in this messy world, but I hate faking it. Being fake is a hard job, y'know. It takes a great amount of energy and mind power in it, but the real me is just too bad.. like utterly badddd. If I ever hang loose of the monsters within, I'll be super wicked and that can't be good, even for my loved ones. I don't wanna hurt anybody but I'm just being me and people can't handle me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Being the real me or the fake me. Eenie meenie miney mo.. I think I need to see a Psychiatrist before I go depressed. Help me get outta this, universe.
